Monday, November 1, 2010

Logline Blogfest

Instructions from Steena (whose blog name alone, Chocolate Reality,
is enough to send you over there to see what this blogfest is all about!)

On your blog site, post your logline for your novel.

One or two sentences.

I wasn't going to take part in this blogfest, but after reading several of the other entries I couldn't resist giving it a go! It will be a good challenge, I told myself. Good practise.
Well.
A challenge it most certainly was! Jeepers, I didn't know it was going to be so difficult!

Update: I have been through SOOO many potential versions of this now!
And, yes, the spelling of deemon with two e's is intentional.


Genre: YA Fantasy
*Most recently revised version*
After an unfortunate run-in with a deemon in a forest, sixteen-year-old Serra makes a shocking discovery: Her every memory is a lie. Her search for the truth soon becomes a battle for her life, as she realises she possesses knowledge that could save humans from the Darkness--or destroy them all.


Photo credit

I'm pretty sure that could do with a whole lot of tweaking, so if you have any ideas on how to make it better, PLEASE feel free to leave suggestions in the comments below! And thank you so much, Steena, for giving me a reason to make my first attempt at a logline.

Click here to see the other entries.
(That's the best part about this blogfest - the entries are so short you can read them in no time at all!)


Earlier Versions:

Version 1:

When Serra discovers that every memory in her mind is false, and that the life she remembers living never existed, she sets out to learn the truth about who she really is. Unfortunately, she isn’t the only one interested in discovering what lies hidden in her mind, and she must hurry to unlock her secrets before the servants of the Dark Prince can unlock them for her.

Version 2:

When sixteen-year-old Serra discovers that every memory in her mind is false, she sets out to learn the truth about who she really is. Unfortunately, she isn’t the only one interested in discovering what lies hidden in her mind, and she must hurry to unlock her secrets before the servants of the Dark Prince unlock them for her.

Version 3:

Sixteen-year-old Serra is shocked to discover that all her memories are false, and that she isn’t the only one desperate to know what secrets lie hidden in her mind. Her journey of self-discovery soon becomes a battle for her life, as she realises she possesses knowledge that could save the human Resistance from the Darkness—or, in the wrong hands, destroy it.




36 comments:

LadyJai said...

ok, I'm not writing a novel! But this makes me want to READ yours! :D

lbdiamond said...

Oooh, this sounds neat!

Does Serra know her memories are all false?

Quinn said...

I would say lose the "can" in "before the servants of the dark prince can unlock them for her." it'll create more symmetry with the first half of that sentence and i think it'll flow better. But this is great and I'd love to read the book.

Quinn said...

Oh, I gave you an award.

Rachel Morgan said...

Thanks :-)

lbdiamond - in the beginning she doesn't know, but something happens to make her discover it.

Rachel Morgan said...

Quinn, you're right, I took out the "can" :-)
Thanks!

Vicki Tremper said...

Hi Rachel,

This is a great logline! I'm just a little curious about Serra - can you give us one tiny detail, like her age or a personality trait that's important to the story? If you want to tighten this up you could delete the 2nd phrase of the 1st sentence. But it reads well as is.

Good luck!
Vicki

Rachel Morgan said...

Thanks, Vicki :-)
I added an age and took out a bit in the first sentence...

Nicole Zoltack said...

Oh I like. Just a little tightening, she sets out to learn the truth about who she really is. can be she sets out to lean who she really is.

I'm curious: What happens if the servants of the Dark Prince unlock her secrets before Serra does?

Not sure this information would be necessary in the logline, but it might heighten the stakes and make it more gripping. But I do love the logline and would definitely read the story.

The Sisterhood said...

Sounds good! Good luck!

♥ Mary Mary

(Btw, I love the Chocolate Reality blog! What's better than chocolate!)

Melissa said...

WOW! This sounds fabulous. I really want to read this book!!!!

Rachel Morgan said...

Nicole - I think trying to explain the consequences of them finding out her secrets before she does would make it too long and complicated...

Mary Mary - there's not much that's better than chocolate!

Melissa - you are so overwhelmingly positive. I love it! Please feel free to drop by any time!

Steena Holmes said...

Rachel, I'm glad you joined the blogfest - you did a pretty good job on your first try ;) Much better than mine!

I like what you have. I like that the memories are false and she wants to figure out who she is. I can hear the voice in there, but I'm wondering if you can bring it out more. Here's a suggestion:

When sixteen-year-old Serra discovers that every memory in her mind is false, she's pissed and struggles to unlock the secrets hidden in her mind and find out why someone would plant false memories. When Serra learns that someone else has a vested interest in her mind as well, the Dark Prince, she realizes the time frame for unlocking the truth dwindles as Hell's Servants come knocking on her door.

Madeleine said...

I love it. Makes me want to read it definitely. :O)

Jamie said...

This is very intriguing! I love paranormal thriller type stories, so I'd definitely keep reading! My only advice would be to maybe take out "hurry to" in this line: "and she must hurry to unlock her secrets before the servants of the Dark Prince unlock them for her." But it's really good as is...nice job!

Stina Lindenblatt said...

This sounds really good. Question: So what if the Dark Prince unlocks them? Why is that a bad thing? Will people die? Will she die?

I definitely want to read the book. :)

gideon 86 said...

This is one of the best I've read! I do agree with Stina on what will happen if the Dark Prince does unlock her mind.

I really enjoyed this and you novel sounds like one I would like to read.

Michael

Vicki Rocho said...

This is good I'm looking for a little bit more though. How did she discover her memories are false? Why should she fear the Dark Prince? Other than a creepy title, what's the threat? If you only add one thing more to your log line, I'd make it the (specific) threat from the Dark Prince.

Rachael Harrie said...

Hey Rachel, I really like this. Well done on such an interesting logline :)

I've looked at the comments, and I think you do need to stress the consequence a little more - I think that's the only thing missing in terms of the logline "formula". The first and second part of the second sentence kind of say the same thing, and that repeats the concept in the first sentence a little as well I think. With that in mind, what about:

Sixteen-year-old Serra discovers that every memory from her life is false, and that she isn’t the only one interested in finding what lies hidden in her mind. If she doesn't unlock her secrets before the servants of the Dark Prince unlock them for her, painfully, the Resistance will lose its best chance of fighting the deemons--her.

I'm only guessing that this properly reflects your plotline, but I hope this might help with injecting both the consequence and a little more of Serra's voice into the logline.

Hope this helps :)

Rach

Rachna Chhabria said...

The log line makes me eager to read your book. It captures the essence of the book and makes us wonder who the Dark Prince is. Who has planted these false memories in her? Why? These questions will hook the readers.

Rachel Morgan said...

Thank you for all your valuable comments! I've now written several more versions and posted the one I think (though is my opinion really to be trusted?!) is the best.

kangaroobee said...

Hi Rachael, I'm a bit late to contribute but I read recently that names are not important in a log-line. I would start it: A young girl, then you are concentrating on the plot not her age or name. Sounds intriguing, good luck.

Hart Johnson said...

Looks like a great story! The version you have current sounds good, though that first sentence is structured strangely--I'd move the, 'than she' forward--otherwise, looks great!

Jackee said...

Oh! I love the latest version. Truly. :o) The only thing that was glaring to me was the ending phrase "unlock them for her". Perhaps it just needs a focus of what unlock means and then it will not be so vague?

Great job! Best of luck, Rachel.

Marieke said...

Sounds like a great story! Really like the last version and with all the comments already I don't have much more to add. Great story :)

Rachael Harrie said...

Hey, great job. I like this :)

Rach

RaShelle said...

Hey Rachel - Great revised version! Excellent.

Andrea Franco-Cook said...

I like your revision. However, I think it would read better if you replace the word "false" with "Lie." i.e., "every memory is a lie." Other than that, I think the new logline flows well and includes the conflict. Great job.

Samantha VĂ©rant said...

Sounds like a cool read!

Margay said...

I think the second version is better. Good concept!
Margay

charlotteotter said...

Getting straight to it without reading what the other commenters have said ...

I think your logline is strong and the conflict is clear. The only part I stumbled over was the 'is shocked to discover', which sounds passive. How does she find out? Is it germane to the conflict and her goals? If so, maybe you should include it.

meradeth said...

I actually kind of like version #2 better, as it makes the danger much more real (with the Dark Prince and all that). Anyhow, I also don't particularly care for "journey of self-discovery" as I think it's too bland. She's trying to figure out about her real life, right? That's pretty cool! Make sure that comes across :) Otherwise, I really want to read this!

Huntress said...

This is general information. I don’t think I would use her memories as a catalyst to her quest.
How about the result of learning about her false memories? Could you use that, the dramatic event that leads to her discovering who, or what, she is. I’m not sure the consequences of the Dark Prince unlocking her memories or mind is enough conflict. Again it seems like general information.

Nicole Zoltack said...

I love the new version! Just would tighten a little:

After an unfortunate run-in with a demon in a forest, sixteen-year-old Serra makes a shocking discovery: her every memory is a lie. Her search for the truth soon becomes a battle for her life, as she realizes she possesses knowledge that could save humans from the Darkness--or destroy them all.

meradeth said...

I really like to newer version! Really pulls me in. Two things: what's "unfortunate" about her run-in with the demon? And what the Darkness? I know you're probably not able to completely describe them in the logline, but these two things leaped out at me.

roh morgon said...

Your latest version is awesome:

"After an unfortunate run-in with a deemon in a forest, sixteen-year-old Serra makes a shocking discovery: Her every memory is a lie. Her search for the truth soon becomes a battle for her life, as she realises she possesses knowledge that could save humans from the Darkness--or, in the wrong hands, destroy them all."

I did notice a couple things:

'demon' normally has only one 'e', so I'm not sure if your spelling with two is intentional or not.

Also - 'realizes' is usually spelled with a 'z' rather than an 's'.

Of course, these spellings may be due to regional differences - I speak/write in 'American' English, which tends at times to be quite different from English spoken in other parts of the world. So your versions may be entirely correct!